They say you always feel better after a good cry. They lied, I don't feel that much better. I've found it happens a lot more often these days; sometimes for no apparent reason, but mostly because I make the rookie mistake of stopping to think about my life.
This particular revelation came about as I was planning what I need to save money for when I start work. I decided I want to put some cash away to go and visit Carlos in America at some point in the near future, but it occurred to me that I should probably save up and find myself somewhere to live first. It's no big secret that I didn't really want to move back in with my parents, but after my fiancée kicked me out it was a choice between here and the YMCA. I started thinking that it's good that I have a job because I can afford to finally move out AGAIN and try and fix my life because I would probably do a lot better if I moved into my own place... or would I?
I've moved out several times already but I always wind up back again. I lived in a flat in Newcastle with Nikki, Steph and Will, I lived in a shared house the following year with Eve, Kit and Michelle, then after University failed I came back. I then moved into a shared house with Joe, Al and Uncle Fred around the corner from the shop I supervised at in Bury, but I lost my job and got evicted in the same week so I came back. Finally I moved in with my fiancée and her Mother in Ipswich and we all know how that ended.
The point being, although I spent a lot of time in these shared houses holed up in my room, at least there were other people in the house and I never had to actually live alone. Even now I get extremely depressed when my parents are at work and I have the house to myself, I sometimes actually find myself staring out the window waiting for my Mother to come home just so I don't have to be in the house on my own any more (that's how we know things have gotten bad).
If I'm completely honest, I don't know how I'll ever be able to cope living alone if I move out. I just don't know what to do.
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