It was Saturday 27th November and I was at work helping my Mother put some boxes away in the stockroom. After a while, the Store Manager, David turned up and we had a bit of a natter. It was mentioned that when I go home at 11, my Mother would be left to finish the next seven hours of her shift on her own. I jokingly said to David, "If you want to throw some extra hours at me, I'd be happy to stay on longer." He chuckled and said that if he had any spare hours to hand out he would be happy to and, with that, he walked off into his office.
This got me to thinking. When I started, I was told that they'd hired 22 new members of staff for the christmas period (it was actually 23 but one of them is leaving already so I'm discounting him). I should mention at this point that the staff of Marks and Spencer are divided into two main groups; the people who work on the shop floor dealing with customers and keeping the shop tidy, and the team
In Ops who work in the stockroom and are the backbone of the company, without whom the whole operation would fall apart.
It goes without saying that without us in the background, the shop would grind to a halt. So how do you think they distributed their 22 new starters? That's right, they put 21 of them on the shop floor and put me and only me in Ops.
This means it's just me and my Mother out back while they have a small community downstairs. But I only work for 4 hour shifts and so, for the rest of the time, my Mother is essentially on her own.
I remember once, while we were closing the shop, someone commented on how they'd never seen so many people on the shop floor at closing time. It was like a bloody ant farm. The annoying thing was that while half of the staff were going about doing their various tasks, the other half were just standing around having a good ol' chin wag because they had nothing else to do. Clearly they aren't all needed.
I honestly don't see how we can allow one solitary memer of staff to work alone in the stockroom holding the shop together while they have an unnecessarily large army doing naff all downstairs. I say we need to trim the fat down there, getting rid of all the dead weight and give me some of those hours they coveniently 'don't have spare.'
Thank you, that is all.
xxx
Monday 29 November 2010
Tuesday 23 November 2010
"Hey Kris, how are ya?"
This question, in all its forms, is one that most of us are asked every day. If you go to work or to see a friend, I guarantee you will be asked how you are. This is one of the situations in which I believe most of us lie. Whenever we are asked this, we say "fine," or "I'm good, how are you?" I, for one, find it hard to believe that everyone is 'fine' all the time. I personally have started overcompensating by answering with, "I am excellent!" or "Amazing!" There is never a hint of sarcasm in my voice because I am not being sarcastic, I am merely lying through my teeth.
One of the reasons for the mass lie is that we don't want to bum people out with our problems. I'm sure there are many more reasons too, but the one that is most prevalent with me is that if I say, "No," when asked if I am OK, it will immediately be followed with, "Why?" I feel it would be rude of me to tell the inquisitor to mind their own business and so the only other option would be to tell them why I am not fine.
This is not an appealing option for me as this is how I see that conversation going:
"Hi Kris, you OK?"
"No, Mandy, no I'm not."
"Really? What's the matter?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Of course. What is it?"
"You might want to take a seat. We could be a while. A few months ago I had the perfect life. I was living in a nice house with my fiancée and her Mother. We had a dog and a cat. We had a field with a couple of Shetland Ponies. We had pretty much planned the entire wedding already; we'd bought all the glasses and cutlery, the dress had been bought and we were very close to booking our venue. I was planning on going to Suffolk College in Ipswich to study accountancy whilst continuing to find paid work. Once I did have a job, her Mother could move out and we could turn her room into the guest room, and then the current spare room would become the nursery for our two kids, Zachary William and Cassie Grace. We would then be married next August and be ready to start our life together properly. We even planned on retiring in her Grandparents' bungalow around the corner. I had the perfect life and my future was all planned out.
"It all started to go tits up, however. We had been together for five months and engaged for one. We had spent those blissful five months perfectly happy; never having a single argument or falling out over anything. Then all of a sudden, seemingly overnight, she stopped talking to me. She was ignoring me and treating me like I didn't exist. She then stopped coming home on her breaks (except when she knew I wouldn't be there) and eventually she stopped coming home entirely, going straight to her Aunt's after work and not even calling to let me know. It broke my heart the way she was treating me; it seemed like all the love had drained from her face and she suddenly became this cold, heartless robot.
"Then one day, she did the one thing that she promised she would never do to me or anyone else. She sent me a text message from work saying, "I don't want to be with you any more. It's over." It was like my entire world was crumbling around my feet. That day, I packed a bag and went back to Newmarket. So now that my fiancée has left me, I am in Newmarket living with my Parents and working with my Mother. I still want to go to college, but lack the motivation or drive to do so. I can currently see no light at the end of my tunnel; no happiness in my future.
"I know that I seem happy and cheerful at work but, I assure you, it's all an act for the purposes of customer service because, I don't mind telling you, behind the laughs and the smiles, I am dead inside. I am horribly, horribly depressed and getting more so by the day. So, in a word, Mandy, no I am not OK."
I have come to the conclusion that it would be best if I said, "No," every time and people just left it like that; and then, on the rare occasion that I say, "Actually, I'm good today," that would be the ideal time to ask me why, because there must be something going on that I actually want to talk about.
So, Mother, next time you comment on how I seem grumpy on any particular day, just remember that I'm not any more miserable than usual, I merely can't be arsed to pretend.
Kristopher Camden, signing out x
One of the reasons for the mass lie is that we don't want to bum people out with our problems. I'm sure there are many more reasons too, but the one that is most prevalent with me is that if I say, "No," when asked if I am OK, it will immediately be followed with, "Why?" I feel it would be rude of me to tell the inquisitor to mind their own business and so the only other option would be to tell them why I am not fine.
This is not an appealing option for me as this is how I see that conversation going:
"Hi Kris, you OK?"
"No, Mandy, no I'm not."
"Really? What's the matter?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Of course. What is it?"
"You might want to take a seat. We could be a while. A few months ago I had the perfect life. I was living in a nice house with my fiancée and her Mother. We had a dog and a cat. We had a field with a couple of Shetland Ponies. We had pretty much planned the entire wedding already; we'd bought all the glasses and cutlery, the dress had been bought and we were very close to booking our venue. I was planning on going to Suffolk College in Ipswich to study accountancy whilst continuing to find paid work. Once I did have a job, her Mother could move out and we could turn her room into the guest room, and then the current spare room would become the nursery for our two kids, Zachary William and Cassie Grace. We would then be married next August and be ready to start our life together properly. We even planned on retiring in her Grandparents' bungalow around the corner. I had the perfect life and my future was all planned out.
"It all started to go tits up, however. We had been together for five months and engaged for one. We had spent those blissful five months perfectly happy; never having a single argument or falling out over anything. Then all of a sudden, seemingly overnight, she stopped talking to me. She was ignoring me and treating me like I didn't exist. She then stopped coming home on her breaks (except when she knew I wouldn't be there) and eventually she stopped coming home entirely, going straight to her Aunt's after work and not even calling to let me know. It broke my heart the way she was treating me; it seemed like all the love had drained from her face and she suddenly became this cold, heartless robot.
"Then one day, she did the one thing that she promised she would never do to me or anyone else. She sent me a text message from work saying, "I don't want to be with you any more. It's over." It was like my entire world was crumbling around my feet. That day, I packed a bag and went back to Newmarket. So now that my fiancée has left me, I am in Newmarket living with my Parents and working with my Mother. I still want to go to college, but lack the motivation or drive to do so. I can currently see no light at the end of my tunnel; no happiness in my future.
"I know that I seem happy and cheerful at work but, I assure you, it's all an act for the purposes of customer service because, I don't mind telling you, behind the laughs and the smiles, I am dead inside. I am horribly, horribly depressed and getting more so by the day. So, in a word, Mandy, no I am not OK."
I have come to the conclusion that it would be best if I said, "No," every time and people just left it like that; and then, on the rare occasion that I say, "Actually, I'm good today," that would be the ideal time to ask me why, because there must be something going on that I actually want to talk about.
So, Mother, next time you comment on how I seem grumpy on any particular day, just remember that I'm not any more miserable than usual, I merely can't be arsed to pretend.
Kristopher Camden, signing out x
Sunday 7 November 2010
Never stop to think!
They say you always feel better after a good cry. They lied, I don't feel that much better. I've found it happens a lot more often these days; sometimes for no apparent reason, but mostly because I make the rookie mistake of stopping to think about my life.
This particular revelation came about as I was planning what I need to save money for when I start work. I decided I want to put some cash away to go and visit Carlos in America at some point in the near future, but it occurred to me that I should probably save up and find myself somewhere to live first. It's no big secret that I didn't really want to move back in with my parents, but after my fiancée kicked me out it was a choice between here and the YMCA. I started thinking that it's good that I have a job because I can afford to finally move out AGAIN and try and fix my life because I would probably do a lot better if I moved into my own place... or would I?
I've moved out several times already but I always wind up back again. I lived in a flat in Newcastle with Nikki, Steph and Will, I lived in a shared house the following year with Eve, Kit and Michelle, then after University failed I came back. I then moved into a shared house with Joe, Al and Uncle Fred around the corner from the shop I supervised at in Bury, but I lost my job and got evicted in the same week so I came back. Finally I moved in with my fiancée and her Mother in Ipswich and we all know how that ended.
The point being, although I spent a lot of time in these shared houses holed up in my room, at least there were other people in the house and I never had to actually live alone. Even now I get extremely depressed when my parents are at work and I have the house to myself, I sometimes actually find myself staring out the window waiting for my Mother to come home just so I don't have to be in the house on my own any more (that's how we know things have gotten bad).
If I'm completely honest, I don't know how I'll ever be able to cope living alone if I move out. I just don't know what to do.
This particular revelation came about as I was planning what I need to save money for when I start work. I decided I want to put some cash away to go and visit Carlos in America at some point in the near future, but it occurred to me that I should probably save up and find myself somewhere to live first. It's no big secret that I didn't really want to move back in with my parents, but after my fiancée kicked me out it was a choice between here and the YMCA. I started thinking that it's good that I have a job because I can afford to finally move out AGAIN and try and fix my life because I would probably do a lot better if I moved into my own place... or would I?
I've moved out several times already but I always wind up back again. I lived in a flat in Newcastle with Nikki, Steph and Will, I lived in a shared house the following year with Eve, Kit and Michelle, then after University failed I came back. I then moved into a shared house with Joe, Al and Uncle Fred around the corner from the shop I supervised at in Bury, but I lost my job and got evicted in the same week so I came back. Finally I moved in with my fiancée and her Mother in Ipswich and we all know how that ended.
The point being, although I spent a lot of time in these shared houses holed up in my room, at least there were other people in the house and I never had to actually live alone. Even now I get extremely depressed when my parents are at work and I have the house to myself, I sometimes actually find myself staring out the window waiting for my Mother to come home just so I don't have to be in the house on my own any more (that's how we know things have gotten bad).
If I'm completely honest, I don't know how I'll ever be able to cope living alone if I move out. I just don't know what to do.
Thursday 28 October 2010
Unlovable
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?
Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used,
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my sex, my joy I would,
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication,
In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you.
If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth,
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few ,
Stages of acceptance that it's really over,
It's just so complicated and I'm stupid for believing in you.
You make me feel like my father never loved me,
You make me feel like the act of love is empty.
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough,
It was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart.
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park,
Sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog.
I wasn't armoured, you were king, I gave my everything,
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you and then,
For just a moment I romanticised the notion,
I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did.
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?
Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?
You make me feel like my father never loved me,
You make me feel like the act of love is empty.
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me),
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me).
Unlovable by Darren Hayes there. I was just walking home from the charity shop today and this song came on my iPod. It reminded me of someone and I instantly felt the need to chronicle this. This is an awesome song, even if it does make me cry.
Peace and love to all. xxxx
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?
Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used,
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my sex, my joy I would,
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication,
In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you.
If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth,
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few ,
Stages of acceptance that it's really over,
It's just so complicated and I'm stupid for believing in you.
You make me feel like my father never loved me,
You make me feel like the act of love is empty.
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough,
It was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart.
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park,
Sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog.
I wasn't armoured, you were king, I gave my everything,
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you and then,
For just a moment I romanticised the notion,
I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did.
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?
Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?
You make me feel like my father never loved me,
You make me feel like the act of love is empty.
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me),
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty).
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me),
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me),
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me).
Unlovable by Darren Hayes there. I was just walking home from the charity shop today and this song came on my iPod. It reminded me of someone and I instantly felt the need to chronicle this. This is an awesome song, even if it does make me cry.
Peace and love to all. xxxx
Wednesday 27 October 2010
The Part
I was sitting at home earlier today watching some crap on telly (as usual) when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, an old man walking up to my front door. I had to double-take because I could have sworn it was Wallace, the director at my am dram group. Then as he walked away I was able to confirm that it was him and he had posted something through my door. I excitedly ripped open the envelope to reveal a cast list for the upcoming panto. I looked up and down the list before eventually finding my name hidden amongst 20 or so other names in the "random villagers and merry men" section. Oh well, you can't win 'em all (I just hope they're not expecting too much). I'm not gonna pretend I'm not a tiny bit disappointed that I don't get to be the centre of attention this time, but that's show business.
As you can probably tell by now, I don't have a fantastically exciting life. That being said, I'll only be recording my thoughts here when anything particularly interesting happens, otherwise there'll be hundreds of entries saying, "I sat at home today watching crap on TV." Therefore, I may not be writing anything for a while as I don't expect anything exciting to be happening any time soon.
So, until next time, tatty bye! x
As you can probably tell by now, I don't have a fantastically exciting life. That being said, I'll only be recording my thoughts here when anything particularly interesting happens, otherwise there'll be hundreds of entries saying, "I sat at home today watching crap on TV." Therefore, I may not be writing anything for a while as I don't expect anything exciting to be happening any time soon.
So, until next time, tatty bye! x
Sunday 24 October 2010
Oh No You Didn't!...
...Oh yes I did! T'would seem panto season is nearly upon us!
Today was spent mainly waiting. I hate it when you have nothing to do until late afternoon but wait for something exciting to happen. Today (or, as I've left it 'til the early hours of the morning to write this, yesterday) that exciting thing was my audition. I've only done one small play with this company and I've never done a panto before so I didn't know what to expect.
One thing I was expecting was a group of people whom I worked with on Hobson's Choice to greet me with open arms and kind words... I was somewhat disappointed. There were 30-odd people there and I only knew two of them (and one wasn't even auditioning). If I do get a part, I don't know how I'll cope. These guys were all teenagers with one or two grown-ups thrown in for good measure... I've never really gotten on with teenagers.
Part one of the audition was an impromptu dance piece. Needless to say, it did not go well. I have three left feet, I lack the energy and coordination for the dance steps that Mr. Thorpe was expecting from us and I felt myself getting quite dizzy on stage (as I often do when I get too hot). Not to mention that my back is killing me after all that.
We were then able to take a break from "dancing" to take part in the singing portion of the audition process. Surprisingly, I didn't suck as bad as I thought I would. I sang my little heart out and no-one's ears started to bleed, so I took that as a good sign.
Part three was the bit I was looking forward to. The reading section of the audition, where we all read from various scenes in the script having a go at all the different characters and experimenting with voices and the like. I gave an evil Sheriff, a slow stuttering Little John and a West Country Friar Tuck. Not to mention my Will Scarlet that came out sounding a bit too much like Will Mossop.
All in all it was a good day. I should hear back by next Sunday and I'll let you all (whoever you are) know who I'll be portraying (let's just hope it's someone that doesn't have to exert himself too much).
Anywho, I think sleep is probably on the cards for now, so I'll just say, "Ciao for now!" xx
Today was spent mainly waiting. I hate it when you have nothing to do until late afternoon but wait for something exciting to happen. Today (or, as I've left it 'til the early hours of the morning to write this, yesterday) that exciting thing was my audition. I've only done one small play with this company and I've never done a panto before so I didn't know what to expect.
One thing I was expecting was a group of people whom I worked with on Hobson's Choice to greet me with open arms and kind words... I was somewhat disappointed. There were 30-odd people there and I only knew two of them (and one wasn't even auditioning). If I do get a part, I don't know how I'll cope. These guys were all teenagers with one or two grown-ups thrown in for good measure... I've never really gotten on with teenagers.
Part one of the audition was an impromptu dance piece. Needless to say, it did not go well. I have three left feet, I lack the energy and coordination for the dance steps that Mr. Thorpe was expecting from us and I felt myself getting quite dizzy on stage (as I often do when I get too hot). Not to mention that my back is killing me after all that.
We were then able to take a break from "dancing" to take part in the singing portion of the audition process. Surprisingly, I didn't suck as bad as I thought I would. I sang my little heart out and no-one's ears started to bleed, so I took that as a good sign.
Part three was the bit I was looking forward to. The reading section of the audition, where we all read from various scenes in the script having a go at all the different characters and experimenting with voices and the like. I gave an evil Sheriff, a slow stuttering Little John and a West Country Friar Tuck. Not to mention my Will Scarlet that came out sounding a bit too much like Will Mossop.
All in all it was a good day. I should hear back by next Sunday and I'll let you all (whoever you are) know who I'll be portraying (let's just hope it's someone that doesn't have to exert himself too much).
Anywho, I think sleep is probably on the cards for now, so I'll just say, "Ciao for now!" xx
The First of Many...
So... a friend of mine once told me, "If you have immense levels of boredom, start a blog!" and that's exactly what I've gone and done.
I suppose this is just a taster to break me in gently, so I should probably start with some kind of slapdash introduction. My name is Kris... or at least it has been since August 2009. Another friend of mine once told me (proving that I do listen to people occasionally) that I don't look like a Dave. My reaction to this was, "Yes I do. I've been Dave all my life and every time I look in a mirror I think to myself, 'That's Dave that is!'" Anywho, she thought I looked more like a Kris with a 'K'. The 'K' is very important. And so, in a completely uncharacteristic act of planned spontaneity, I got on t'internet and changed my name by deed poll.
I was born in Alnwick (you can't get much further north without venturing into Scotland) and, genetically, I'm half Northern (the other half's from Norfolk, but that's not important). I am, therefore, relatively tall and lanky. Amongst fellow Northerners, I blend in quite nicely, however, I have been living in Newmarket in Suffolk (horse racing capital of the country and the home of the celebrated Newmarket sausage) for the past 17 years and feel like Gulliver in the Land of the Jockey!
Well, I think that's enough of an introduction for now (and believe me, I could go on all day if left to my own devices), so I think I'll draw this to a close. I'm going to be auditioning later today for a pantomime, Robin Hood and the Babes in the Wood, and so I need to go and make myself all pretty and stuff.
I shall bid you adieu and keep you posted on how I get on. BYE!!!! x
I suppose this is just a taster to break me in gently, so I should probably start with some kind of slapdash introduction. My name is Kris... or at least it has been since August 2009. Another friend of mine once told me (proving that I do listen to people occasionally) that I don't look like a Dave. My reaction to this was, "Yes I do. I've been Dave all my life and every time I look in a mirror I think to myself, 'That's Dave that is!'" Anywho, she thought I looked more like a Kris with a 'K'. The 'K' is very important. And so, in a completely uncharacteristic act of planned spontaneity, I got on t'internet and changed my name by deed poll.
I was born in Alnwick (you can't get much further north without venturing into Scotland) and, genetically, I'm half Northern (the other half's from Norfolk, but that's not important). I am, therefore, relatively tall and lanky. Amongst fellow Northerners, I blend in quite nicely, however, I have been living in Newmarket in Suffolk (horse racing capital of the country and the home of the celebrated Newmarket sausage) for the past 17 years and feel like Gulliver in the Land of the Jockey!
Well, I think that's enough of an introduction for now (and believe me, I could go on all day if left to my own devices), so I think I'll draw this to a close. I'm going to be auditioning later today for a pantomime, Robin Hood and the Babes in the Wood, and so I need to go and make myself all pretty and stuff.
I shall bid you adieu and keep you posted on how I get on. BYE!!!! x
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